The Snarktress

I am Cory.

You like to bore me.

Oh please, won’t you tell another story?

This time, please make the details gory!

Tell me, have you heard the latest one?

It’s told by a girl who pretends to be a nun.

I tell you this girl is really quite fun;

She claims I took her man, but I assure you I’m not the one.

I do not like your husband, dear.

I do not like him here or there.

I do rather like when he plays in the dirt;

But do not like him in a way to flirt.

I did not fuck him in the house.

I did not steal him quiet as a mouse.

I did not fuck him at the zoo.

I do not prefer men from The Lou.

I did not fuck him in a car.

I did not fuck him in a bar.

I do not think of your man that way;

Not now, or then, or any day.

I did not tempt him with my thighs.

I did not bat my pretty brown eyes.

I do not appreciate your heinous lies.

It is time I cut those “friendship” ties.

I do not care for men with wives;

if you don’t dig him, why would I?

I’m sure you hoped to make me cry,

but this is a story few will buy.

I ride my bike and play in the dirt;

I suggest you shut your mouth before another gets hurt.

My skin is thick and I can take your shit;

But others have been hurt, you odious twit.

You are the one from your relationship strayed;

You were not at all the one betrayed.

You are the one who preyed upon men;

Regardless of the relationships they were in.

I don’t care what you do with your life.

I have no plans to tell any wife.

I just want you to stop your needless lying,

Or next time it could be you who is crying.

I am fed up with your deviant ways;

I had really hoped you were going through a phase.

I made no judgments about the things you did;

I closed my mouth about the things you hid.

You tried to play a game and lost.

You sold out your friends, and at what cost?

You shit on folks and for what gain?

Did it make you happy to induce such pain?

You gussied up and wore panties fancy,

but all you did is make men antsy.

You thought you really played a good game;

But you and I are not quite the same.

You truly thought you had me beat;

rubbing on men like a cat in heat.

The biggest difference between you and I?

I’m not desperate nor need to try.

You will not cast me in the roll as a whore;

To spread this lie makes you rotten to the core.

Look in the mirror with a satisfied smirk;

And rejoice to yourself that you are one hell of a jerk.

I cannot fathom the reasons for your game;

I can only denounce your shit as lame.

One thing I know, I am not owed closure…

Especially from a detestable, self-loathing poser.

Be careful of the lies you spread about others because they could always return the favor with the truth.

More interestingly, perhaps you have talked so much shit about so many different people that the people about whom you are talking and lying won’t ever have to utter a word.

When you find that you are once again surrounded by the same negative, gossiping assholes about whom you ranted and raged…consider perhaps you are the worst of all.  

Misery loves company they say, and a smile doesn’t always hide the cracks.

When you make the choice to lie about those who simply didn’t want to play your game, consider that there were an awful lot of witnesses to your interestingly horrible behavior…and that one’s behavior cannot be blamed on anyone else.

Consider that the world actually is pretty small and (most) people have two eyes with which to observe.

When you make the choice to portray yourself as an innocent victim, recall that you worked very hard for people to believe the opposite.

Remember that you went out of your way to make sure we all knew how superior, strong, and wise you are.

Consider that unlike you, others don’t have to talk if your actions tell the tale.

It is now my turn to smile.  

Wasssup, Tipper?  How are ya?  Still cuckoo and mean I see.  Glad the new year is really working out for you.

I’m really sorry that you are having body issues with a bit of self-loathing right now, but I sure hope you get better soon so that you don’t feel the need to passively-aggressively attack my friends just because you are an attention-seeking half-wit who has nothing better to do than project how miserable your life is upon those of whom you are jealous.

[exhales…]

Stop doing mean shit to my friends or I will enter a friggin’ crit just to curb-check your needy ass.*

Bitch.

*I will not be entering any crits or putting sweet George (road bike) in any danger by curb-checking freak-show-Betas who wish they were Alphas.  Curb-checking a person could really screw up a bike and I can’t have that, so the above statement was made solely for entertainment purposes.  Peace.

Does your partner:

• Embarrass you with put-downs?
• Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
• Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
• Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
• Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
• Make all of the decisions?
• Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
• Prevent you from working or attending school?
• Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even deny doing it?
• Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
• Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
• Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?
• Force you to try and drop charges?
• Threaten to commit suicide?
• Threaten to kill you?

If you answered ‘yes’ to even one of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship.

For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224

via http://www.thehotline.org/

This morning I tweeted and FB’d that I was “awesome”.

In quotes.  Just like that.

I then burned my arm on the iron and immediately felt the Universe smirking at me as if to say, “See? I bet you wish you were as good as you were 5 minutes ago, Asshole.”

Tis true.  I did. I still do.  OUCH!

Remember…

1. Things can ALWAYS be worse. (Yes, always.  Trust me on this.)

2. The Universe is craftier than you are and it takes pleasure in reminding you that it doesn’t need a Smartphone or social media to send you a loud and clear message.